#capitalismstrikesagain

Fast fashion and its new best friend, my anxiety!

Until now, I didn’t know it was possible to get FOMO from trends. Sure - I spent a good amount of my early teens chasing down mesh tops with embroidered roses and yeah, I did wear my army green bomber jacket to death. But this is a whole new level.

From SHEIN hauls to white girls from the Eastern Suburbs showing off their latest (and very expensive) lockdown purchases, my Tiktok feed is a constant reminder of the clothes I should buy because if they are, why aren’t I? The masses being influenced by the oh so shiny Influencer, so to say.

The anxiety I associate with these hauls however, is not the financial hardships that my future could possibly hold (even though it really should be), but this fear of not showing the world that I too am capable of being trendy and stylish like these Instagram models. That I too, can be a shiny, bronzed, full-lashed Influencer with impeccable fashion taste.

With my self esteem taking hits left, right and centre, I took this lockdown as an opportunity to really do some soul searching. Armed with Flex Mami’s, The Success Experiment, I started my journey of self-awareness.

I knew somewhere deep down, that this need to stay on top of microtrends came from a place of insecurity and this “reputation” I had given myself - Flex’s book helped me lay all that out onto the surface. In reflecting on her own journey and growing into a “quieter confidence”, she writes:

“Lil, you won’t die if you don’t get the last word. You won’t die if you don’t have the coolest story. And your heart definitely won’t stop if you don’t boldly declare your two cents on every topic.”

Now don’t hate me, but I did underline those words with a pen. It was for good reason though, because these words made me ask: “Who am I doing this all for?” because as always, Flex was right. I won’t die because I’m not wearing trendy brown pants and my heart certainly doesn’t stop beating if I don’t get my hands on a Mr Winston hoodie. So why the pressure and anxiety?

Throughout highschool, I always made sure to be “best-dressed” at every opportunity and slowly but surely I had curated this “reputation”. Obviously I’m not mad at it, it's nice to know people expect me to turn looks when I’m out and about. The issue however can be divided into two:

1. Why I felt the pressure to be “best-dressed” in the first place and

2. What “best-dressed” meant to me

I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood, where the concept of Asian people didn’t extend past the big three (China, Japan and Korea). Being Filipina, you can see where this might be going. My standards of beauty from the ages of five to eleven thus revolved around the white girls that were getting the most attention on the playground and back then that really, really mattered. From there, I went into highschool with the notion that it might just be the same - me being very aware of my lack of “conventional” attractiveness and being stuck on the sidelines of the male gaze. And for some part it was, but I had decided to take the amount of attention I would receive into my own hands, elevating myself above what I perceived as “basic” so I would be noticed. Each mufti day brought a new opportunity, each Instagram post brought a confidence boost and I think I became addicted to the way my classmates were perceiving me. I had turned myself into a “fashion icon” in a small community of prepubescent teens and that knowledge was all I needed to function.

Now, as I scroll through the Glassons app, I wonder if my self-imposed ridiculously high standards were worth it. Both my money and energy have been spent trying to mold myself into current trends, shifting through the same four pieces of clothing for two weeks maximum before they lose their shine. And at the end of it all, I’m not sure if I like what’s beneath all the tightly fit flares and graphic baby tees.

Thus begins a new chapter in my fashion journey! Alongside climate anxiety, the fast fashion epidemic has forced me to look at myself as a consumer and like so many others, I’m making a turn towards sustainable fashion. Don’t get me wrong some sustainable brands are ridiculously expensive but alternatives such as thrifting, stealing from my dad’s closet and simply making more conscious decisions before clicking “Add To Cart” have helped settle the FOMO I feel - like taking back a part of me that I handed off to the Internet and fashion companies so long ago. Knowing that my self worth doesn’t revolve around how stylish I appear on Instagram is the goal I’m headed towards. Trends aren’t forever, but my peace of mind should be.