My biggest accomplishment this year, as small as it may be, was getting the help I needed. This came in two forms. Therapy and staying sober.
For years I’ve struggled in an endless battle against my own mind.
For years I’ve struggled in an endless battle against my own impulses.
My anxiety is so overwhelming I am physically sick before I leave home.
I pull my hood over my face to hide from the world, put my hands in my pockets and try my best to drown out the noise all around.
Why do I worry that someone might talk to me? What is so bad about that?
Perhaps I’ll open my mouth and say the wrong thing.
Perhaps I’ll get nervous and completely shut down.
Oh, how I crave to enjoy time with my friends without having a panic attack.
My depression is a weight I can no longer bear. At times I will go days without leaving my bed, or even eating.
Even now I do not understand why.
I don’t have a bad life. I have food, a roof over my head, a family. Yet why do I feel so empty?
With no ambition, striving to make a life for me is something I am currently incapable of, but I want nothing more than to build a life.
I am so desperate to feel happy but I fear I wouldn’t even recognise the feeling.
On the 23rd I will have ten months alcohol-free. January thirteenth of 2022 will mark 2 years without any drugs! Which is rather amazing.
My creativity is not at all dependent upon it like I had previously believed. I am able to understand myself and love myself even with all my flaws.
Sobriety has given me the mental clarity, to dive into my mind and its mechanisms. Sobriety showed me, by the selfless ways of others, and in their non-judgmental actions, it was okay to ask for help or to find a solution. I can comfortably learn about both my diseases and not feel like I am less of a man for having them.
More than anything, sobriety has taught me I deserve to not only have dreams but LIVE them. So in every way I can, I write.
Without those essential people in my recovery, I would not be here, I would not still be working on myself. I am thankful for every one of them.
So, my proudest moment this year was pushing through my issues to get some help.
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