On Christmas Day, I gave my girlfriend a pear tree. I spent the entire month of December wracking my brain for nice gift ideas, when my man, Jose, suggested the tree. “It’s not fleeting like a flower,” he explained. “The tree tells her that you’re committed and willing to grow together. Plus, the pear symbolizes fertility and a luscious booty.” I had my doubts; we’re still a month shy of our first anniversary, but Jose’s a smart guy and he’s been with his chick for like 3 years now. So I got her the tree. She loved it! I moved the pot out to her apartment balcony, and, kid you not, this fat bird just flew by and plopped onto a branch. My girlfriend squealed as she grasped my hand. I never knew you could pack that much delight into a high-pitched shriek, but it was music to my ears. Later that night she whispered to me, “Today was amazing. I can’t wait to see tomorrow’s gift.”
What?
So on the second day of Christmas, I got my girl a pair of earrings. Apparently there’s supposed to be twelve days of Christmas? I’ve never heard of this, but too be fair, my family only pretends to be Catholic.
I snuck out to the mall right when it opened. The mall was packed with people returning flashing toys and tight sweaters. I didn’t see any people buying more gifts for second Christmas, but nonetheless, I got a good deal on the earrings. They were simple, yet elegant, shaped like birds taking flight with an opal inlay. I sent a pic to Jose, and he gave his seal of approval. My girlfriend put them on immediately, beaming ear to ear. Seeing that smile twelve days in a row is truly its own gift.
On the third day of Christmas, I woke my girlfriend up with a gentle kiss and a French omelet. All three meals that day would be my treat. For lunch, I cooked coq au vin. My friends laughed when I decided to take home ec in high school, but everyone knows ladies can’t resist a man who can cook. Dinner was at a restaurant of her choice. Unfortunately, she chose ‘Le Petit Oeuf’. Their serving sizes may have been petit, but the bill definitely wasn’t. Luckily my girlfriend passed up the 80 dollar filet mignon for slightly more reasonably priced roast chicken. I did not have the willpower to resist a nice steak, but if I’m going to treat my girlfriend, I might as well treat myself as well.
On the fourth day of Christmas, I went back to work. It was a bit of a relief to be making money instead of spending it. The previous night, I had gone back to my own apartment to sleep. For my girlfriend’s gift, I sent her a short playlist of songs that made me think of her. Not the flashiest present, but she tweeted me a heart in response, so I think she appreciated the thought.
On the fifth day of Christmas, I texted my girlfriend an address with instructions to meet me after work. The address was a jewelry store run by Jose’s aunt. My girlfriend squeezed my hand in excitement as we walked inside. There was a wonderful assortment of pendants and rings crafted of various metals. I noted a large “SOLD OUT” sign where the gems and other big ticket items were usually held. Jose’s aunt gave me a sly wink and we walked by the case. Thank you, Tia! My girlfriend stopped in front of the rings and asked to see five different designs. She spent a minute each looking at the rings, inspecting and admiring the intricate designs engraved on the gold bands. After she set the last one down, she said “Yes, I’ll have these please.” Jose’s aunt shot me a glance. “All five?” I asked if she would like to just pick her favorite, but she flashed a Cheshire grin. “No, see, one for each finger.”
So we broke up.
On the sixth day of Christmas, Jose and I got half a dozen eggs, and chucked them at her balcony window. Merry fucking Christmas!
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